It's Sinking In

Had my major shopping trip today and finally got (almost) everything I need - no excuse to delay packing any longer! Starting to register that i'm really leaving in 6 days time and that NYC will be home for at least the next 3 years of my life.. Although i'm really looking forward to it and the new challenges/experiences/adventures that await, it's honestly really scary to leave my family and friends and all that is familiar to me. The thought of myself leaving has been at the back of my mind for the longest time but now that the date is fast approaching I feel stuck in a kind of weird limbo- many people I want to see or say goodbye to (maybe being a liiittle melodramatic here but that's me!) but there really.isn't.time., at least not if I want to spend the next week with my family and closer friends. :(

One thing I really thank God for is that S will be in the USA with me for the first year of life in NYU (well, he'll be in Chicago but for us it's close enough!!) and although he's flying back there a couple of weeks later than me, just the thought of weekend trips and finding new patterns and being together in the land of the freeee is enough to quell any anxiety in my heart :) The Summer with him back home has really been great, it's actually one of the longest durations we've spent together in the same country (one of the perks of 3 years of long distance is that it makes 3 full months together feel like an enormous blessing/privilege!) and i'm pretty sure I speak for both of us when I say that it is such a huge relief to not have to count down to when each other wakes up so we can talk/to spend time together via online movie and tv show dates/sending old fashioned letters and packages etc... Actually it isn't all that bad especially with time, but at the end of the day nothing beats personal interaction :)

Despite the apprehension i'm already tingling with excitement about the lonnng flight that i've grown somewhat accustomed to, meeting my apartment mates (and i'm going out with my roommate one day before move-in day! :D), the Welcome Week events like kayaking on the Hudson River (!!), Monster Ball, the IRHC events and barbeque etc etc.. to meet my academic advisor and chart out my plan for the next semester, and for classes too! to finally engage my mind and to learn from/with some really cool and passionate people about philosophy/art/politics.. It'll be new and different and challenging but i'm going to embrace it and hopefully make some good friends along the way :)

For now, i'm gonna try my best to make my last six days here count!

but this I know with all my heart

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom


----

Thank You for Your undying love that is just as constant, personal, relevant and powerful today as it has been throughout history :)

Thank You God :)

I remember the many afternoons/evenings spent at the fusionopolis starbucks willing myself to find joy in the smallest things, getting food poisoning the day before my history and math papers, the nights I spent crying to S about how tired I was.. And how the day before results release I was anxious and unsettled, but felt an inexplicable peace when my colleague wrote me a note reminding me of God's promise in Jeremiah 29:11.

All I can say at the end of everything is that I am always left amazed at how faithful God is, and i'm so thankful that i've been blessed with an outcome beyond my own dreams and aims :) 3 years ago when I left Ngee Ann Poly after one semester and was making the decision about whether or not to start over in JC, I told myself that it would be my best shot or nothing. As Mum and S keep saying, the 15/16 year old me would NEVER believe anyone if they said i'd get 6 As for my A levels. It's because of all of this that I can assuredly testify to God's work in my life and how he allowed me to be in the metaphorical wilderness for quite a long time, so that I would eventually realize what I really want for my life. That year I spent figuring out what I want is one of the things I am most thankful for! And for those who may feel downhearted or a little discouraged, don't lose heart. What may look like a bad situation to you is really just a work in progress, and one day we'll realize we all end up we we're meant to be.

He makes all things beautiful

Flying to KL with aunty florence over the weekend was so much fun :) Spending time with tiffy (can't believe she's already been there for a month!)/eating really yum but oily streetfood/shoppingg/watching a late night movie all in 2 days! Wish S and uncle alan were there tooo but there'll always be a next time.

One thing i'm really thankful for is that i've managed to spend lots more time with the people I love since the long holiday began.. It's one of the things I missed the most during the craziness of the past 2 years. And for the opportunity to see the world! Traveling has always been one of my greatest joys, and getting to spend time in Sri Lanka, Dubai and KL has been really amazing. USA in a week's time and plans for the UK/Europe are shaping up- I am truly thankful.

My job too- although it isn't always smooth sailing, i've had the chance to meet great people and to be part of a really special community :) Teaching has never been something I've wanted to do as a career (and it still isn't!) but I can see why people do it.. everyday you learn as much (or more) than you teach :)

Just felt like I should stop in my tracks and spend some time just.. Being thankful. :) Haven't been doing it enough. Tomorrow is a milestone in the year- Trusting God wholeheartedly. I still believe with all my heart that whatever the outcome, He is in control and His beautiful plan for my life will unfold in His time.

Voice of Truth

--
Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is,
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win"

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
"Boy you'll never win, you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

all I need is You

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
The Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
All I need is You

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again

Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
-----

In the fear, apprehension and weariness, I lift my eyes to You. Thank You for Your love that you extend so freely.. for Your amazing work in my life, for everything I could never have acheived on my own. I rest assured in Your presence knowing that You have promised to never leave or forsake me, that You have a wonderful plan for me, beyond my doubt and fear and limited vision. I love You.

My Greatest Love

God My God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now

God be near,
calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up,
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to Calmer of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurtI hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

Midweek Musings

School has been really really tiring.. I find that I feel a lot more tired on days with fewer lessons and more breaks- haha sometimes it makes me contemplate what form of fatigue i'm feeling! and home feels kinda weird without mum dad and cla (who are living it up in London!!) but thank God for Shawn (and his eternal patience when it comes to my whims/whining) and the aunties :) I just wish I wouldn't feel soo drained after each day and overwhelmed by things to do/things yet to come.. I'm continually re-learning the lesson of taking things one day at a time- do your best in what you can each day, and save tomorrow's worries and struggles for tomorrow. At the end of the day, I believe that we have a God who is faithful and loving, who has planned nothing but the best for us if only we trust in His perfect timing and unfailing love :) I want to make the choice to remember this every single day.

Matt 11:28

Everyday has been passing in a blur- between school, rehearsals, trying to catch up on work and finding snatches of time to be with the ones I love, there hasn't been time to take a step back and just be. The past 2 weeks have been emotionally draining on many different levels.. but even that aside, it feels like i've been on the move for the longest time, doing and doing and doing stuff but there's always more!! But at least for drama, it's literally down to days before we're done with both SYF (this thursday!) and college play next weekend. From now till next weekend, Chen will leave (i wish she didn't have to..), we'll go into theatre, I'll turn 19 and then the craziness will all be over and June holidays will be here before we know it :) So.. For now i'm hanging tough, trying the best I can to take things as they come and finding rest and strength in the One who loves me and holds my future in His hands.

The way I see it

:'( I want S to come home. My thoughts are all over the place..

Maybe a good place to start would be to be thankful. Truly thank God for BT and PW results, I couldn't have done it on my own strength at all. Thankful for my family. For Shawn, for his family. For moments of clarity and perspective where I get glimpses of the light at the end of this (very) dark and murky tunnel.

I don't know what exactly it is that's weighing down on my heart; a combination of knowing that the month ahead will be one of great stress and pressure (especially bearing the responsibility of something I never wanted to do in the first place), that i'll hardly be able to spend time with the people I love because rehearsals end late everyday and weekends are spent trying to make up for the work I couldn't do in the week.. but mostly, I think it's feeling like i'm stuck somewhere when every part of me is ready to leave and move on. I want to move on.

But while i'm still stuck and I still have to fulfill expectations and responsibilities, I will do it to the best of my ability. Exactly a month till i'm free from the stress of stage managing, and then another 4ish months till graduation! Till then, i'll keep my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith and remember that in the grander scheme of things, all of this isn't so bad.

Lost for words to describe You

In the quiet of my soul
In the stillness I hear Your voice call
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You

Jesus You're more than a friend
Jesus You're more than my heart could ever express
Your love and Your grace never fail me
Your merciful touch always heals me
You bring joy to my soul

My heart longs to worship You my King
And I long to bring You a pleasing offering
And I am overwhelmed
And I am lost for words
To describe You
--

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

Trust

Over the past week, I've had 3 consecutive 8a.m schooldays, one 9a.m one, a root canal surgery and (possibly worst of all), a really really low morale. Of course there've been upsides to the downs; got to finally meet some old friends to catch up over coffee, spent time with jo before she leaves for China and mum and dad came back (!) but I still feel like i'm emerging from this break more battered and tired than before.. and unprepared for block tests next week :( I've been very conscious about my unproductivity but yet it's so difficult to break out of the ennui especially because i've hardly been at home over the past week, and when I am, I spend the better part of it lamenting about the ache in my tooth and feeling sorry for myself.

I think I forget too often that God is in control of everything; from the minute details to the huge pictures, and I worry too much about things that He never intended me to worry about. There are two days left and i'm honestly afraid (more of disappointment in myself than anything else) but i'm going to do my best with what I have and remember the promise in Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

As for me, I trust in You.

Praise You in this storm

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder roars
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives, and takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are, no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side..
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry and You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You?

But as the thunder roars
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

"I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth" Psalm 121:1-2

Beautiful in His time

Maybe I spoke too soon? :( My heart is suddenly twinging with sadness though things are fine in my head. I wish with all my heart that S wasn't so far away from me now cos it feels like he's the only one who can truly make things right. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel a need to be brave about these things; when the ones closest to you are near you don't have to learn to cope on your own.. but when they're not, you just do because that's how you keep going. But in all this my heart is comforted by Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

From where I'm standing, sometimes I can't see why things are the way they are- why i'm in the school i'm in, why the bulk of my relationship has to be long distance, why I didn't acheive what I wanted to, why circumstances just seem so unfair.. but where I can't see the road ahead, I know God has still marked a path. Where I feel stifled and disappointed, I know He holds my hand and lifts my head. Amidst my many 'whys', I know I may not see the answers now, but He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time, and that is assurance enough for me.

TGIF to the highest degree

Had a really bad day today.. I'm so glad it's the weekend- a timeout from school is all I need right now. Thankfully dinner with Josh kinda redeemed the day, was good catching up over nice food (see you the next time you're back!) :)

I think I need to learn to accept the fact that things won't always be the way I want them to be, that there is a reason and season for everything, that sometimes "things fall apart so that better things can fall together" (Marilyn Monroe). Also trying to align myself more with who God wants me to be.. More patient and kind, more trusting and hopeful. I stumble lots but i'll keep trying, because what can be better than the pursuit of being the person He wants me to be..?

Hoping that the weekend will be full of the little things in life that remind me of beauty, light and joy :)

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer resonates deeply with me.. Helps me to keep things in perspective and to keep going no matter what comes my way.

Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Ground

This period of my life hasn't been the greatest- the week ended badly and i'm strangely struggling to snap out of the gloom that seems to have descended upon me.. though I usually bounce back pretty fast. The hardest part is not being able to rationalise what I feel with myself; if I can't find the words to express what's inside then how do I get past it? Maybe it's the yearning for better days, where life wasn't made of mundane routines and weighty expectations.. but as with all things, I just have to adapt to it and hold on to the knowledge that everything will be made beautiful in God's time.

Lots of stuff to do with not very much of the afternoon left.. So I better get to it. Praying, hoping, crossing my fingers and toes that next week will be a better, lighter, brighter one for all of us.

2 Timothy 1:7

Working on it everyday.. Long days ahead for the rest of this week and i'm in lots of physical pain (cramps ow :( ) so it's gonna be difficult,
BUT
I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb :) I'm thankful that it's February and that there are only 26 days till the end of this month!

My identity is in You

Maybe it doesn't show much, but I have an ongoing struggle with the way things have turned out for me through this journey of JC education.. Sometimes I feel bitter and angry; resentful at the way I'm tied to a singular commitment that I seem to be solely accountable for. Forgone opportunities and experiences all for what..? To be pushed over and subjected to unreasonable demands and expectations, and then being held accountable when they are not met. It's a cycle that i've grown resigned to- it's not a matter of not wanting to fight for the things I want, it's knowing that every possible step I take will lead to the same undesirable outcome.

But in all this.. In all the feelings of hopelessness and for all the times i've questioned the unfairness of the way things are, I hold fast to the promise that my God will never leave me or forsake me, He has promised me HOPE and a future. My identity doesn't lie in the praise of men, doesn't lie in acheivements or failures, doesn't lie in what people perceive me to be. My identity is in my God and Father, the One who holds my days in His hands, who guides and leads me by quiet pastures. I pray I will remember this everyday.

God of my forever

Timely reminder from the one who has never stopped caring over the past 5 years.. Thank you Su, you're really like an angel in my life :) God blessed me with your mentor-ship when I was just 13, and although i've grown and we don't see each other often, I'll always treasure and appreciate you a lot. Hope you're reading this :)